mother's call

Last day my mum called from hometown. Sounded sad like usual, especially at this current situation. She asked for anything I wanted from hometown since my uncle is coming to KL tomorrow. Keropok, buah or whatever I or Su needed or missed. Keropok might sound tasty when hot so I just agreed for her offer. BUT, actually I need one thing. The most needed, more than money. COURAGE!

Saving the words, I tell you the truth. AKU MENGANGGUR SEKARANG! Having nothing in specific to do to generate RM and pay my debts which keep increasing day by day from several directions even by my phone calls. My saving is getting less and less but I just like stuck in the earth to my knee and it keeps sucking me deeper and deeper.

“QUICKSAND! The more you struggle, the more it sucks you down. The more you want to get out, the more it brings you down…”

I don’t know what to do now. Oppss, correction- I just don’t know what I gonna choose from multichoices that I have now. I know and sure that I can do something that will be great to me, my wife, family and surrounding. Looking back to my past, it is quite convincing if I say that I got some little portion of ‘hand of midas’. But one thing I noticed for this last 2 years- the magic only happens when I in critical solution. As example, if the situation is either fail or pass, the magic then will take place. But if the case is normal, it will not happen.

The way of bringing me to this 25th year of life made me not hungry for excellence. I only wanted 2 or 3 out of ten since I got to spare those 7 to others. Sometimes if I wanted 7 or even 10, I never got it. Never! So I just go for average or some of us might say ‘enough eat’. At one time, I really wanted to have tuition for SPM like some of my buddies, I never got that chance. I got to be present at home especially at night since my father always not at home. Some more, big bungalow like mine always is a nice target for burglars and I already had some experiences with them there. So, fortunate or not, such example of reason was strong enough to hold me from picking my best star and just put my steady feet on the ground; waiting for rain wetting my body to tell either it is hot or cold. This is really embarrassing and pitiful to be told but it is the truth.- Cara aku membesar tidak memotivate aku untuk menapatkan yang terbaik.

Searching deeply in my soul, trying to find the answer only ends me with more quests and puzzles. The answer that I could give always went to blaming zone. Blaming people, he and she and not forgotten, MYSELF. But too much blaming on me, making me restless, breathless and sick! Getting out from the blaming zone needs a lot of courage. The rope that I can only hold on to, is to enrich gratefulness and thankfulness in me. Looking and realizing what I do have now, is more calming, rather than pointing to what I do not have. I shall be satisfied with those thing I have now and ‘bersyukur banyak2’ from now on. But if I just says “cukupla apa yang ada..”, then how I can go and grab what I want in His reservation?

Cukupla dengan soalan yang ada…..????.